Baby’s First Poop- This Sh*t Just Got Real!

I had a feeling that morning that the baby was coming. I swear It was the strangest thing. Lila wasn’t due for another two weeks, but I vividly remember waking up that morning with the weirdest feeling. Nicole was at work and I was home on summer break (I’m a teacher and she recently became a Guidance counselor.) I remember waking up super emotional which is not like me at all. Without any indication that my intuition was correct, I packed my overnight bag that morning because somehow I just knew that today was the day. Sure enough I get a call around noon from Nicole. She was calm as a cucumber. She told me “I think my water just broke” as she was driving home from work. We weren’t positive, but we decided to make the trip to the hospital just in case. Even with all this excitement It wasn’t real to me yet.

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The hospital told us we were in fact going to have our baby two weeks early. They started running a bunch of tests and getting Nicole ready to give birth. If you have read any of my previous blog posts you know that I am extremely squeamish around needles, blood, and really anything that takes place inside of a hospital so needless to say, I was very nervous…BUT being a dad still wasn’t real to me yet.

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We are going to Fast forward 17 hours through all the grueling details of the labor process, but I will say that I learned that day that my wife is literally the toughest most fearless human being on earth, and for those of you wondering, you will be proud to know I remained conscious through the entire labor process and birth. So our beautiful baby Lila has finally joined us in this world. She is a perfect 7 pounds 9 ounces with brown hair and beautiful bright blue eyes that she got from yours truly, her handsome father. After all this I STILL was not fully aware what being a dad was all about, and it didn’t feel real to me yet.

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Eventually the whirlwind of craziness slowed down and it was just the three of us alone in our recovery room. Just when I think I am finally going to get some sleep I hear the loudest fart that I have heard… EVER. We looked at each other in shock, realizing that this massive earthquake of an air biscuit came from our sweet little 7-pound 9-ounce baby. And then the dreaded words came. “I think you need to check her diaper.” Nicole was still recovering and was not able to get out of bed much in the three days following the birth, so the honor of the first diaper change was all mine.

Keep in mind that I had literally never changed a diaper in my life. I didn’t have the first clue how to change a diaper at all, let alone efficiently. I walked over to the baby with my supplies in hand: A full package of butt wipes, a towel to lay her on, a teeny tiny little diaper, and 3 wash cloths (I’m not sure why I grabbed those). I grasped the first tab on her diaper and began to peel it off. It crackled at me menacingly just daring me to pull the second one off. I proceeded with caution, and peeled the second tab off ever so carefully. Now for the moment of truth. I pulled the top of the diaper back from her stomach down to the bed and OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT!! This was not poop. This was not something that I knew could ever come out of a human being, this was tar. Imagine the darkest color you have ever seen. Like when it’s so dark you can put your hand right in front of your eyes and not even see it. That’s when I knew that This SH*T Just Got Real!

I began wiping and I was doing a horrible job. There was tar everywhere, I felt like I was making matters worse instead of better. I hadn’t slept in over 24 hours, I was tired, I was irritable, I began to panic, I needed help. Luckily the nurse walked in. I asked her to help and she was so mean to me about it. I was shocked by her response. She acted like I was an Idiot for going through an entire pack of wipes and 3 wash clothes for one diaper change. Maybe I was, but like I said I was new at this!

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She reluctantly walked me through how to properly clean a baby, and I actually learned a lot from her, even though I felt she was extremely rude, and should have showed some sympathy in regards to my first time dad ignorance.

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These days I can change a poopy diaper blindfolded in under 30 seconds with one hand tied behind my back.

 

If only that mean old nurse could see me now!

 

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Thanks for reading!

~Sean Robinson

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